1 00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:07,450 Erm, Meghan, there is something I want to ask you. 2 00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:10,810 What? 3 00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:13,210 - Yes! - You don't know what it is yet. 4 00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:16,690 - Yes! - We've been together for over a year now, and... 5 00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:20,740 - Yes, yes, yes! - What I'm trying to say is... 6 00:00:21,860 --> 00:00:24,210 .. will you be my wife? 7 00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:28,260 YEEEEEEEE... 8 00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:41,780 You're my strength, my soul, my everything. 9 00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:44,130 Oh, you're really smashing, Meghan. 10 00:00:44,180 --> 00:00:47,450 Absolutely top bird. 11 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,530 You bring a real sensitivity to the British royal family. 12 00:00:50,580 --> 00:00:54,580 Well, it was Harry's idea as much as mine, wasn't it, Harry? 13 00:00:54,780 --> 00:00:58,370 Oh, yeah, definitely. I was very much on board with the idea. 14 00:00:58,420 --> 00:01:00,810 And what have you got planned for your bachelor party? 15 00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:03,210 Well, obviously I've calmed down a lot since I met Meghan, 16 00:01:03,260 --> 00:01:07,260 so I'll probably just go nightclub, strip club, casino, brothel, 17 00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:09,850 although I might try LSD, as well. 18 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:13,210 Well, actually, we decided that Harry should have his stag night 19 00:01:13,260 --> 00:01:16,610 - while we're here. - Yeah, it's a bit of a shame Wills won't be here, 20 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:20,090 though, or Rupes, Jonno, Grunter, Spunky, Nobbles, Shag Monster, 21 00:01:20,140 --> 00:01:23,210 Sir Vom-a-Lot, Lord Pissbucket, Mr Dirtchute... 22 00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:26,930 Yes. It is a shame, but we thought it would be more sensible 23 00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:30,050 - to have it away from the British tabloids. - Yeah. 24 00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:32,410 Over here, I can go even more mental. 25 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,690 Do you think the zoo would let me fight a leopard? 26 00:01:34,740 --> 00:01:36,690 Harry's joking! 27 00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:39,410 - They're so well matched. - Aren't they? 28 00:01:39,460 --> 00:01:41,610 Crikey, having three kids is exhausting. 29 00:01:41,660 --> 00:01:44,410 It took me ten minutes to organise the nannies. 30 00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:47,050 Well, I was thinking, perhaps three's enough, 31 00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:49,570 and it's time to pull up the drawbridge. 32 00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:51,810 Oh, Kate, I can't go back to wearing nodders. 33 00:01:51,860 --> 00:01:53,410 No, I was thinking something more... 34 00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:55,850 - .. permanent. - A full hysterectomy? 35 00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:58,410 OK, but only if that feels right for you. 36 00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:01,770 No, actually, I was thinking you could have the snip. 37 00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:04,730 The snip? 38 00:02:04,780 --> 00:02:07,450 I don't think I want to do that, Kate. 39 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:09,250 It's nothing to be frightened of. 40 00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:12,330 They just tear open the scrotal sac, and then sever the tubes. 41 00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:13,730 No, Kate, I can't. 42 00:02:13,780 --> 00:02:16,810 But you made that speech last year about people having fewer children 43 00:02:16,860 --> 00:02:17,970 to help the environment. 44 00:02:18,020 --> 00:02:20,130 Yeah, but obviously that doesn't apply to me. 45 00:02:20,180 --> 00:02:23,410 Look, I need to keep my boys in tiptop condition in case 46 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:25,090 - anything should happen. - Like what? 47 00:02:25,140 --> 00:02:27,250 Well, if something happened to you and the children, 48 00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,930 in those tragic circumstances, I'd be honour-bound to carry on 49 00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:32,610 the line, which, sadly, would mean having sex with another woman, 50 00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:34,410 and possibly a blonde one this time. 51 00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:36,610 How can you even think about being with another woman? 52 00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:39,010 - It's my constitutional duty. - Well, until you get the snip, 53 00:02:39,060 --> 00:02:43,060 you'll be doing your constitutional duty into a sock. 54 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,770 Welcome to my home, Charles. 55 00:02:49,820 --> 00:02:52,530 Yes, do call me Charles. 56 00:02:52,580 --> 00:02:54,650 Doria, your house is absolutely charming, 57 00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:58,700 and certainly not an architectural monstrosity. 58 00:03:00,060 --> 00:03:03,450 As you know, I've raised Meghan to be a strong, independent woman, 59 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:06,850 so, naturally, I have issues with her marrying into 60 00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:08,210 the British royal family. 61 00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:10,850 Oh, the royal family is full of strong, independent women. 62 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:13,490 One only has to think of... 63 00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:15,810 .. erm... 64 00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:18,570 - .. Boadicea. - Camilla's a strong, independent woman. 65 00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:20,450 Yes, a bit too much. 66 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:23,530 - Gives it a lot of that, if you get my drift. - Really? 67 00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:27,570 Mom, please, I don't want to get married without your approval. 68 00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:31,620 - Hmm. - Which is why I'm here to put your mind at rest. 69 00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:33,850 Camilla wanted to come, too, 70 00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:36,100 but she's so busy preparing for the wedding. 71 00:03:42,660 --> 00:03:45,530 I'd better go and freshen up. Where's Ken? 72 00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:48,170 Ken's Dad's valet. He stayed in England cos there's no room, 73 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:50,730 remember? Doria's only got three bedrooms. 74 00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:52,670 Three bedrooms! 75 00:03:54,420 --> 00:03:58,420 Erm... Then I wonder if one of you might help me go to the loo. 76 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:04,860 Sorry. Rest room. 77 00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:10,300 Hi! And welcome to Beatrice and Eugenie's wedding fashion vlog. 78 00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:12,210 Vlog! 79 00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:13,770 V-l-l-l-l-log! 80 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,730 Vlog! Our new online business venture, 81 00:04:15,780 --> 00:04:18,530 which has nothing to do with our cousin Harry getting married. 82 00:04:18,580 --> 00:04:22,580 Or my wedding at the same venue in September. We've had an e-mail. 83 00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:26,890 "What should your wedding outfit never include?" 84 00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:30,450 Subliminal messages encouraging terrorism. 85 00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:34,500 We are passionate about giving hints and tips about what to wear 86 00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:38,660 - to any wedding. - Wow. Styling wear, the thing we're most famous for... 87 00:04:39,260 --> 00:04:40,530 Going on holidays. 88 00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:43,050 Nay! Our fascinators! 89 00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,610 Fascinators. 90 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:46,850 I chose this one to match the morning suit 91 00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:48,330 my fiance is going to wear. 92 00:04:48,380 --> 00:04:51,170 He's called Jack, and he's an absolute dreamboat! 93 00:04:51,220 --> 00:04:53,450 Luckily, I've just been dumped by my boyfriend, 94 00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:57,500 so mine doesn't have to match anything. 95 00:04:58,380 --> 00:05:01,250 Sorry, you didn't mind me mentioning my fiance, did you? 96 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,850 Don't worry, it was only 18 times. 97 00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:05,890 Thanks. You know, I was so relieved 98 00:05:05,940 --> 00:05:08,210 when Jack finally popped the question. 99 00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:10,490 - I was getting on a bit. - I'm two years older than you. 100 00:05:10,540 --> 00:05:13,730 But I've scraped in just under the wire and now everything is going to 101 00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:15,970 - be all right. - Well, I'm really happy for you. 102 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:17,350 Sorry. 103 00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:20,030 Jack! 104 00:05:20,580 --> 00:05:24,580 Yes, I'd love to go out for dinner, then theatre, then dinner again! 105 00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:37,210 - Spare a quid? - Sorry, I don't carry cash. 106 00:05:37,260 --> 00:05:38,450 Me neither. 107 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:41,890 Calling all tramps of Windsor... 108 00:05:41,940 --> 00:05:45,850 Quick, it's the Tramp Catcher! 109 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:49,050 Vagrants! Vagabonds! 110 00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:53,100 Down-and-outs! 111 00:05:53,380 --> 00:05:55,530 Gotcha! 112 00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:58,370 - What's going on here? - Your Royal Highness, what an honour. 113 00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:01,490 The wedding is in three days' time, and I'm just clearing the scroungers 114 00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:04,770 off the streets. We can't have them spoiling your little brother's 115 00:06:04,820 --> 00:06:07,490 - big day, now, can we? - But it's wrong. 116 00:06:07,540 --> 00:06:10,490 But they're dirty and horrible and they'll ruin all the photographs. 117 00:06:10,540 --> 00:06:12,810 I don't give a damn about the photographs. 118 00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:15,730 These are my subjects, and free to live how they choose. 119 00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:18,210 - You will leave them be. - Oh, yeah? 120 00:06:18,260 --> 00:06:20,290 And what are you going to do about it? 121 00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:24,090 You ain't got any real power. You're just a figurehead. 122 00:06:24,140 --> 00:06:27,490 Unless I've misread the Act of Settlement 1701. 123 00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:29,810 Well, we've still got an "advisor-ary" role. 124 00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:33,860 Is that right? Well, I've got some advice for you, Billy boy... 125 00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:40,100 Fuck off! 126 00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:44,490 Oh, you seem so simpatico. 127 00:06:44,540 --> 00:06:47,650 We are. We're always finishing each other's sentences. 128 00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:50,570 Yeah, I hardly ever finish a sentence now. 129 00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:53,770 They're never off the bloody telly. They make me sick. 130 00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:56,290 I wish you could just be happy for them, Pippa. 131 00:06:56,340 --> 00:07:00,340 Hey, I'm not bothered! I'm happily married to Johnny. 132 00:07:03,140 --> 00:07:06,250 - How is Johnny? - He's worth £2.4 billion. 133 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,970 Look, Pippa, if you still have feelings for Harry, 134 00:07:09,020 --> 00:07:10,450 you can speak to me. 135 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:13,970 I'm not just your future queen, I'm also your sister. 136 00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:16,850 What goes on in your fucking head? 137 00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:19,770 Oh, Pippa. 138 00:07:19,820 --> 00:07:22,530 How am I ever going to get into my maid of honour's dress? 139 00:07:22,580 --> 00:07:26,090 I normally lose the baby weight with my usual ten hours a day in the gym 140 00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:28,250 plus special programme of steroid injections, 141 00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:29,530 but it's just not shifting. 142 00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:32,210 - Oh, stop moaning. - Well, it's all right for you. 143 00:07:32,260 --> 00:07:34,010 You're naturally big-boned. 144 00:07:34,060 --> 00:07:36,090 - Excuse me? - And you're not a princess, 145 00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,930 so you can afford to let yourself go. 146 00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:41,210 People expect better things of me. 147 00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:43,010 That's not a rude thing to say, is it? 148 00:07:43,060 --> 00:07:44,730 Not at all. 149 00:07:44,780 --> 00:07:47,690 Actually, why don't I help you get in shape? 150 00:07:47,740 --> 00:07:50,250 Running and dieting was literally all I did for 15 years 151 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,050 till I married a billionaire and thought, "Fuck it". 152 00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:54,770 All right. It'll be fun. 153 00:07:54,820 --> 00:07:58,820 Yes. It'll be fun, all right. 154 00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:03,210 I think this Doria charm offensive is going rather well. 155 00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:05,330 Yeah, well, thanks for making the effort. 156 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,890 And for being so cool about us getting married. 157 00:08:09,940 --> 00:08:12,570 We thought Meghan being mixed race might have been a prob. 158 00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:16,620 Oh, not at all. It is 2018. The monarchy has moved on. 159 00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:21,410 Wouldn't do for Wills, obviously -- future king, etc -- 160 00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:22,610 but sixth in line, 161 00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:26,090 it would take quite the plane crash to see you on the throne. 162 00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:29,930 Maybe don't say that to my mom. 163 00:08:29,980 --> 00:08:33,370 OK, fun time -- let's plan your stag night. 164 00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:37,420 Awesome! Right, first up, strippers. 165 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,050 That's a little old-school. 166 00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:42,450 But if you want to see women laying themselves bare, 167 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:45,890 how about The Vagina Monologues? 168 00:08:45,940 --> 00:08:49,940 That sounds fantastic! 169 00:08:51,580 --> 00:08:53,850 But, Daddy, we've got to do something. He's got a big net. 170 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,290 - You know I don't like to meddle. - You're always meddling. 171 00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:58,770 You got that professor sacked from Exeter University. 172 00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:01,530 What kind of man of science says homoeopathy is bollocks? 173 00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:03,850 And I've held my tongue on so many other issues. 174 00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:05,570 Like what? 175 00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:08,370 Like alien civilisations living amongst us. 176 00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:10,090 Isn't that right, Xenu? 177 00:09:13,940 --> 00:09:17,290 I'm powerless. I might as well go and have the snip. 178 00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:21,340 Over here! 179 00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:28,090 Hi, Bea. God, I love The Crown. 180 00:09:28,140 --> 00:09:32,140 I never realised how bloody important we all are. 181 00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:35,810 Ohh. 182 00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:37,130 Bad date? 183 00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:39,050 It was a disaster. 184 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:42,250 All the boys I meet are always too frightened to take on someone royal. 185 00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:44,370 What excuse did this one give? 186 00:09:44,420 --> 00:09:47,690 That I'm incredibly dull and stupid. 187 00:09:47,740 --> 00:09:50,570 So I still don't have a plus one for the wedding. 188 00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:51,810 Fancy a drink? 189 00:09:51,860 --> 00:09:54,530 I can't, I'm going out with Jack for dinner, then theatre, 190 00:09:54,580 --> 00:09:57,010 then dinner again. Sorry, Bea. 191 00:09:57,060 --> 00:10:01,060 - Next time. - Bye. 192 00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:05,180 I'm just like Bridget Jones, only without the money worries. 193 00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:12,460 ♪ All by "mysalf" 194 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:17,980 ♪ Don't want to be all by "mysalf"... ♪ 195 00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,490 I don't know why you're complaining. 196 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:26,290 At least you're going to the wedding. I've been snubbed again, 197 00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:27,810 for being an embarrassment. 198 00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:30,130 Oh, don't worry, Mummy, you'll find a way to get in. 199 00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:32,770 - You always do. - Well, I have had one idea. 200 00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:36,050 I'm making multiple applications to the public ballot, 201 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,290 but under false names. 202 00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:40,010 Hey, do you fancy doing something? 203 00:10:40,060 --> 00:10:43,850 Oh, I can't, I've got to go and catch the last post, I'm afraid. 204 00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:47,900 Tatty-bye. 205 00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:52,540 ♪ All by mys... ♪ 206 00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:05,180 Who's ready for another of my special diet fruit smoothies? 207 00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:07,650 But I've had 14 in the last hour. 208 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,210 But they're working wonders. 209 00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:11,970 Well, they ARE nice. 210 00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:15,490 Thank you. 211 00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:17,610 Mm. When can I try the dress on? 212 00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:20,170 Soon. 213 00:11:20,220 --> 00:11:24,220 Very soon. 214 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:29,770 I think a detox spa session is the ideal way to start your stag night. 215 00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:33,010 Oh, totes. Great idea for you to come. 216 00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,170 This way, we get to spend more time together. 217 00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:37,450 Oh, Harry, do you realise what's happening? 218 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:39,210 We're starting to think the same way! 219 00:11:39,260 --> 00:11:43,050 Yeah, if you hadn't suggested not drinking, I probably would have. 220 00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:46,010 - I'm going to go to the little girls' room. - Another wheatgrass smoothie? 221 00:11:46,060 --> 00:11:48,650 Oh, no, we'd better get going, or we're going to miss the start of 222 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:52,700 - our TED Talk on the power of yes. - Ah, right. 223 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:57,690 - Complimentary champagne? - Erm... 224 00:11:57,740 --> 00:12:01,740 Well, maybe just the one. 225 00:12:04,860 --> 00:12:06,580 Jagerbomb! 226 00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:28,570 What am I doing in here? 227 00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,930 You were arrested for indecent exposure. 228 00:12:30,980 --> 00:12:32,730 But I was just having a wazz in the street. 229 00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:34,930 From the roof of a police station. 230 00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:37,250 Sorry, who are you? 231 00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:38,610 Amber. 232 00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:41,810 Well, Dame Amber. 233 00:12:41,860 --> 00:12:45,450 You ennobled me at Hooters last night. 234 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:49,500 Oh... 235 00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:54,410 I'm definite about this, but is the operation reversible? 236 00:12:54,460 --> 00:12:55,450 Not really. 237 00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:03,490 Prince Albert, former consort to Queen Victoria, 238 00:13:03,540 --> 00:13:06,490 - what are you doing here? - You're making a grave mistake. 239 00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:08,570 A king's kuh-nackers are his most valuable asset, 240 00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,650 the source of all his power. 241 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:12,410 You are your kuh-nackers. 242 00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:14,770 I'm hardly going to take advice on genitals from you. 243 00:13:14,820 --> 00:13:16,090 You got your knob pierced. 244 00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:17,610 Your knob is not your kuh-nackers. 245 00:13:17,660 --> 00:13:19,330 Your knob is front of house. 246 00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:22,770 Your kuh-nackers are backstage, where all the real work gets done. 247 00:13:22,820 --> 00:13:24,330 You're right. 248 00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:28,380 Thanks, Prince Albert. I'm getting out of here. 249 00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:30,650 Ooh, thanks, doc, but if it's all right with you, 250 00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:32,370 I'm going to keep my knackers, 251 00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:36,420 and use them to sort out that tramp-catcher. 252 00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:43,730 Oh... Well, that's it. That's the last one. 253 00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:46,330 I'll never get to Harry and Meghan's wedding now. 254 00:13:48,380 --> 00:13:52,380 Oh. 255 00:13:56,860 --> 00:14:00,860 I AM going to the wedding! 256 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:07,250 I can't believe it! 257 00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:10,770 I'm going to the royal wedding! 258 00:14:10,820 --> 00:14:13,570 Hey, um, are purple dresses still in? 259 00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,810 I wish I was going to the royal wedding. 260 00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:18,290 Oh... Why do you look so sad? 261 00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:20,130 I'm worried about being made redundant 262 00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:21,930 and replaced with modern technology. 263 00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:24,050 Oh, I'm sure you won't. 264 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:27,410 - What do you do? - I operate a robot arm at a car factory. 265 00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:31,460 - Oh. - But if I could go to the royal wedding just for a couple of hours, 266 00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:33,090 I'd be happy! 267 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:37,050 I'd see a man who's had everything handed to him on a plate 268 00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,770 marrying a beautiful woman, 269 00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:42,820 with all the security costs paid for by the state. 270 00:14:43,140 --> 00:14:44,250 Yes. 271 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,810 Gosh, that lady's really sad. 272 00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:49,090 Whereas I'm just tragic. 273 00:14:49,140 --> 00:14:51,930 Here, have my golden ticket! 274 00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:53,130 Do you really mean it? 275 00:14:53,180 --> 00:14:56,290 Yes. Uh, but I have a condition. 276 00:14:56,340 --> 00:14:59,140 - Oh... - That you have enough bloody fun for the both of us. 277 00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:03,850 - I will! Thanks! - Mm! 278 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:07,900 Oh, God, what have I done? 279 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:10,930 Turned out nice again. 280 00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:14,250 - What are you doing? - Ooh, I thought I'd run the barbecue for you. 281 00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:16,170 I confess, I've never done it before, 282 00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:18,010 but I'm so good at everything else. 283 00:15:18,060 --> 00:15:19,850 But last night, you had me put toothpaste 284 00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:23,050 on your toothbrush for you. You just don't live in the real world. 285 00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,490 Well, it's not my fault! 286 00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:27,450 I didn't ask to be brought up in the lap of luxury. 287 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:30,090 I'm the victim here. 288 00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:32,290 Sweetheart, where have you been all night? 289 00:15:32,340 --> 00:15:35,650 Oh, Mom, I lost Harry during the stag! I've looked everywhere. 290 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,770 - Oh! It's Harry. - Doria, please, don't judge me on what I've done. 291 00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:42,930 Judge me on what I could do 292 00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:45,130 if I was properly supervised. 293 00:15:45,180 --> 00:15:46,410 You're where?! 294 00:15:46,460 --> 00:15:49,330 'Vagrants, free booze! 295 00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:53,380 Right... 296 00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:00,010 You, there! 297 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,650 - In the van! - Just stay where you are! 298 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:05,050 I've told you once, sunshine -- 299 00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:07,410 you keep your snout... out. 300 00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:09,010 Oh, they're not going anywhere. 301 00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:13,060 They're now officially designated as the Queen's swans. 302 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:17,090 And, as such, they can wander wherever they like. 303 00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:20,810 For that matter, defecate and urinate wherever they like, too. 304 00:16:20,860 --> 00:16:23,810 - Just like real swans! - Yeah! 305 00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:29,300 Bloody Protection Of Swans Act 1592... 306 00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,770 Bollocks! 307 00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:33,850 Well, I hope it pisses down on Saturday. 308 00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:40,050 Oh, no. 309 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:44,090 I've got to go and tell Kate I didn't have the snip. 310 00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:47,330 Oh, I've dropped a right bollock, Dame Amber. 311 00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:49,010 She'll never want to marry me now. 312 00:16:49,060 --> 00:16:50,770 If only I'd stayed at the spa! 313 00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:53,050 And at least you wouldn't be on the sex offenders list. 314 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,810 Plus, I'd have silky soft skin that glows. 315 00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:57,170 She'll never forgive me. 316 00:16:59,220 --> 00:17:01,370 Meghan! What are you doing here? 317 00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:04,250 You're free to go. All charges have been dropped. 318 00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:07,130 - How? - I did learn one or two things on Suits. 319 00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:08,730 Like a legal loophole? 320 00:17:08,780 --> 00:17:10,530 No. I showed him my bra. 321 00:17:10,580 --> 00:17:11,850 Gosh, I'm looking forward to 322 00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:13,410 spending the rest of my life with you. 323 00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:15,010 We need to talk, Harry. 324 00:17:15,060 --> 00:17:16,850 We're just so different. 325 00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:20,170 I'm interested in developing mind and body in unison, 326 00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:24,170 and you're interested in getting shitfaced with Lord Pissbucket. 327 00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:26,930 But if you could just MEET Lord Pissbucket... 328 00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:30,980 We'll talk later. 329 00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:38,570 - Oh, my God! - What are you doing out of bed, 330 00:17:38,620 --> 00:17:40,690 you dirty bird? 331 00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:42,890 I'm sorry, Pippa. I had to see! 332 00:17:42,940 --> 00:17:44,610 The programme isn't finished yet! 333 00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:45,970 What's happened to me?! 334 00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:48,650 I had one USP -- being thin! 335 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,010 And now I don't even have that. 336 00:17:50,060 --> 00:17:53,210 Sounds like someone doesn't want to admit they've been snacking. 337 00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:56,970 But I haven't! I haven't had anything apart from those diet fruit 338 00:17:57,020 --> 00:17:59,490 smoothies you've been feeding me. 339 00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:01,890 - What's in them? - Just fruit. 340 00:18:07,580 --> 00:18:09,650 You've been feeding me liquidised doughnuts! 341 00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:12,810 All right. I have. 342 00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:15,130 When you walk down that aisle, 343 00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:16,490 your arse 344 00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:20,540 is going to be absolutely massive. 345 00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:22,650 My arse?! 346 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,610 Is that why you've done this? 347 00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:28,970 No. This isn't about my arse, is it? 348 00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,450 This is about Harry and the wedding. 349 00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:34,370 Those feelings you had for him, they haven't gone away, have they? 350 00:18:34,420 --> 00:18:35,970 And that's understandable, Pippa, 351 00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:37,850 but you've got to manage those feelings. 352 00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,970 You're right. 353 00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:43,010 If I destroyed the wedding, I WOULD feel better. 354 00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:44,850 No, Pippa, that's not what I meant. 355 00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:48,010 Fuck off, fatty! 356 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:52,060 Good luck getting into that dress. 357 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,970 Maybe I'll fall in love with some ordinary chap, who turns out to be 358 00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:58,570 the crown prince of Lichtenstein! 359 00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:02,010 Oh, who am I kidding? That sort of thing only happens in storybooks. 360 00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:03,690 - Oh! - Oof! 361 00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:05,010 How clumsy of me. 362 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,690 - No, no, it was my fault. - Sorry about your vegetables. 363 00:19:07,740 --> 00:19:09,890 I'm sorry about your Faberge egg. 364 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,490 Are they from Fortnum's? 365 00:19:11,540 --> 00:19:15,490 No, my allotment. 366 00:19:15,540 --> 00:19:17,850 I'm Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party. 367 00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:21,450 Gosh! You're much better looking in real life than you are on the telly. 368 00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:23,810 Well, that is the biased BBC for you. 369 00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:27,860 I'm Princess Beatrice, eighth in line to the throne. 370 00:19:27,980 --> 00:19:29,690 Oh, you know, I shouldn't really be seen 371 00:19:29,740 --> 00:19:31,210 with members of the Royal family. 372 00:19:31,260 --> 00:19:32,890 I'm notoriously anti-monarchy. 373 00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:36,940 And I don't know what the Labour Party is. 374 00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:38,890 Look, bit of a long shot, 375 00:19:38,940 --> 00:19:42,250 but I've got a plus one to Harry and Meghan's wedding on Saturday. 376 00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:44,250 I don't suppose you'd like to come? 377 00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:45,570 Oh... 378 00:19:45,620 --> 00:19:48,450 I'm supposed to be picketing it with Diane Abbott and John McDonnell. 379 00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:50,050 Oh, you've got plans, it's fine. 380 00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,770 No. Sod them. 381 00:19:51,820 --> 00:19:54,490 I'd love to come. Here, what are you doing right now? 382 00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:56,010 Absolutely nothing. 383 00:19:56,060 --> 00:19:57,250 You want to come to a meeting 384 00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:59,370 on the renationalisation of the water utilities? 385 00:19:59,420 --> 00:20:01,330 I'd love to! 386 00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:08,450 - I'm back! - In here! 387 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,010 - How did it go? - The operation? 388 00:20:10,060 --> 00:20:12,810 - Yah, yah, pretty straightforward. Yah. - Thanks for getting it done. 389 00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:15,810 So, are you ready for your little reward? 390 00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:19,770 Oh, I'm still a bit sore. 391 00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:22,730 In fact, the doctor said we shouldn't do anything like that 392 00:20:22,780 --> 00:20:25,090 for a couple of weeks. 393 00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,290 Or months. 394 00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:28,890 But I looked it up on the internet and you can do it straightaway. 395 00:20:28,940 --> 00:20:30,730 You don't find me attractive, do you, Wills? 396 00:20:30,780 --> 00:20:32,170 It's all this extra weight. 397 00:20:32,220 --> 00:20:36,220 No, Kate, you're beautiful! 398 00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:39,050 I lied to you. I didn't have the snip. 399 00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:42,810 - What?! - I just couldn't go through with it. - But that's... 400 00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:45,250 - .. wonderful. - Huh? 401 00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:46,890 You DO want to do it. 402 00:20:46,940 --> 00:20:49,250 But you will have to wear a nodder. 403 00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:51,250 Maybe not. 404 00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:55,090 There's always what in the Eurovision Song Contest they call 405 00:20:55,140 --> 00:20:59,140 the Greek entry. 406 00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:03,410 There. 407 00:21:03,460 --> 00:21:06,170 Yeah, everything going rather well, eh, Doria? 408 00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:10,220 Yes. Surprisingly. 409 00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:12,650 Ah, "Me, too." 410 00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:14,210 I'm a huge supporter. 411 00:21:14,260 --> 00:21:16,530 Although the interesting thing about "me too" is, 412 00:21:16,580 --> 00:21:19,530 it's a phrase frequently used at the beginning of gang bangs. 413 00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:21,450 - Excuse me? - Well, you know... 414 00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:24,010 Me, too! Ha! 415 00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:26,530 Not that I've ever been to a gang bang. 416 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:28,690 Or approve of them. 417 00:21:28,740 --> 00:21:32,740 Dreadful things. Eurgh. 418 00:21:33,140 --> 00:21:34,330 Eurrrggghhh! 419 00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:36,530 Whoo! 420 00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:39,450 Sorry we're late, everybody. 421 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:42,970 Harry got held up at the... 422 00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:45,730 Jail. I've been in jail. 423 00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:46,970 For indecent exposure. 424 00:21:47,020 --> 00:21:49,250 I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple. 425 00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:52,130 Actually, Charles, we're not getting married. 426 00:21:54,620 --> 00:21:57,210 - That's your decision, honey. - We're just too different. 427 00:21:57,260 --> 00:21:59,330 Well, I can't pretend I didn't see this coming. 428 00:21:59,380 --> 00:22:02,490 I mean, you're the first person to marry into the family who's actually 429 00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:04,130 got a proper career. 430 00:22:04,180 --> 00:22:06,690 A successful actress in Suits. 431 00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:09,770 And now, nearing 40, you'll be ready to hit the big time. 432 00:22:09,820 --> 00:22:13,820 Why, older actresses are simply flooded with work. 433 00:22:14,060 --> 00:22:17,530 Are you sure, Meghan? 434 00:22:17,580 --> 00:22:19,050 I bloody love you. 435 00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:21,130 And I love you! 436 00:22:21,180 --> 00:22:23,010 Of course I'll still marry you! 437 00:22:23,060 --> 00:22:24,610 No, you can't! 438 00:22:24,660 --> 00:22:27,890 Mom, you raised me to be a strong, independent woman, 439 00:22:27,940 --> 00:22:30,770 and that's what I am, so I'm going to marry my prince 440 00:22:30,820 --> 00:22:32,610 and live in a fairy tale castle! 441 00:22:32,660 --> 00:22:34,050 Welcome to the family. 442 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:36,400 Oh! 443 00:22:45,380 --> 00:22:47,650 Oh, how I've missed you. 444 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:51,700 It felt like I'd lost my right arm. 445 00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,970 Good to see you too, Camilla. How's tricks? 446 00:22:55,020 --> 00:22:56,450 Bloody wedding. 447 00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,970 The Tesco shopping sheep have gone mad for it. 448 00:23:00,020 --> 00:23:02,690 - It'll be over soon. - This is just the beginning. 449 00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:05,610 Meghan and Harry and Wills and Kate, 450 00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:07,330 they're a unit. 451 00:23:07,380 --> 00:23:08,810 The Fab Four. 452 00:23:08,860 --> 00:23:10,810 They're the ones the public want now. 453 00:23:10,860 --> 00:23:13,010 No, no, no, I'm incredibly popular. 454 00:23:13,060 --> 00:23:15,890 Like Alexander the Great, without the vanity. 455 00:23:15,940 --> 00:23:17,930 They're side-lining you. 456 00:23:17,980 --> 00:23:21,930 - Have you even got a role in this wedding? - Well, erm... 457 00:23:21,980 --> 00:23:24,370 - Uh, no. - And I got this this morning 458 00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:27,050 from the Slippers Association. 459 00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:30,650 They're replacing you as patron with Meghan and Kate. 460 00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:32,570 They're worried you taint the brand. 461 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:33,970 What does that even mean? 462 00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:36,370 Well, I suppose the nice way of putting it is, 463 00:23:36,420 --> 00:23:40,420 that they don't want your stink rubbing off on their slippers. 464 00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:42,850 Well, if you don't want to be yesterday's chip paper, 465 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:45,810 I suggest you get a role in this wedding. 466 00:23:45,860 --> 00:23:48,170 Well, I do have a lot to offer. 467 00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:49,890 And I need to destroy 468 00:23:49,940 --> 00:23:53,050 Meghan and Kate's friendship. 469 00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:56,470 And with it, the Fab Four. 470 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,270 'And in Windsor, the crowds are camping out, 471 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:07,970 ready for the big day tomo... 472 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,230 Wow, it's all getting so real. 473 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,990 I can't believe I'm going to be a princess. 474 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,310 It's amazing how quickly you get used to it. 475 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,710 I forget you were a gypsy before you married Wills. 476 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,150 - Ha! Yeah. - By the way, you look fantastic. 477 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,430 How did you lose the baby weight so quickly? 478 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,870 I'm just lucky with my metabolism. 479 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,920 Actually, since we're friends... 480 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,150 (Liposuction.) 481 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,030 Liposuction, hey? 482 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:35,830 Pippa, what are you doing here? 483 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,110 I just thought I'd pop in and see Meghan. 484 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,190 Where is Harry, by the way? 485 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:43,270 Oh, we thought we wouldn't see each other before the wedding. 486 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,270 Really? 487 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,390 So, how are you feeling about tomorrow? 488 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,190 I'm feeling nervous and excited, but I think it's important 489 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,070 that I recognise both emotions as equally valid. 490 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:56,550 Yes, do talk like that in public. 491 00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:00,600 British people don't find it at all irritating. 492 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,190 So, big day tomorrow? 493 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,110 Yah, FA Cup Final. 494 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,550 No, it's your wedding. 495 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,990 Oh, yah, and thanks again for being my best man. 496 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,390 I'm going to make sure the whole day goes without a hitch. 497 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,590 Actually, it's great practice for when I'm King. 498 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,390 Make a speech and sort of jolly things along a bit, 499 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:21,830 but you don't have any actual say. 500 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:24,030 Well, you can tell people where to leave their coats. 501 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,510 No, a King can't. 502 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,910 - Knock, knock. - Pippa! 503 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:32,190 Just thought I'd wish you all the best for tomorrow. 504 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,950 I must say, I never thought anyone would tie you down. 505 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,510 Well, I wouldn't call it tied down. 506 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:40,430 Of course not. You'll be happily married... 507 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,030 .. to the same woman for the rest of your life. 508 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,110 Which, with the medical care you Royals get, 509 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:46,750 could be 100 years, maybe longer. 510 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,630 For your information, Harry and I made a pact 511 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:49,830 that we'd always use the NHS, 512 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,550 just like the most humble of our subjects. 513 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,950 Yah, unless it was something we were really worried about 514 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,350 and needed to see someone fast. 515 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,190 Yah, or our schedules made things awkward. 516 00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,310 Obviously, then we'd be straight up Harley Street. 517 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,310 - Well, they'd probably come to us. - Yeah. 518 00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:05,360 I wonder what one gets for a 100th wedding anniversary. 519 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,990 Eugenie? This is Jeremy. 520 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:19,670 Pleased to meet you. 521 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:21,310 Can I get you a cup of tea? 522 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:22,910 - Is it Fair Trade? - Sorry? 523 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:26,430 Oh, Jeremy and me are really into Fair Trade, cos it's just, you know, 524 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,510 - tastier. - Fairer. - Fairer. 525 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:31,750 Oh, excuse me. 526 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:35,110 Oh, it's Hezbollah, best not keep them waiting. 527 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:36,830 - Yo. - Well? 528 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,470 Erm... yeah. He's... very nice. 529 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,590 He is amazing, isn't he? 530 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,110 And he's the first man I've ever met 531 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,270 that's got fewer qualifications than me. 532 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:47,710 Yeah. 533 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:51,760 Wouldn't you be better off with someone like my fiance, Jack? 534 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,110 Simple, down-to-earth manager of an exclusive Mayfair nightspot 535 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,790 and brand ambassador for George Clooney's tequila? 536 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,030 No! I wouldn't swap him for anyone. 537 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:05,030 He's handsome, he's funny and he knows an awful lot about Marxism. 538 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,110 Say, are you all set for the wedding? 539 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,430 Er, Jeremy and I have decided not to go. 540 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,630 - What?! - Yeah, we don't believe in marriage. 541 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,470 We think it's a bourgeois construct. 542 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,150 Jeremy... 543 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,230 - .. Corbyn! - Princess Anne. 544 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,750 - You've met before? - I've still got the scars. 545 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,110 Jeremy once threw paint at me at a hunt, 546 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:26,870 and I had him horsewhipped. 547 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,430 Foxes have got rights. 548 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,670 You wouldn't say that if you'd 549 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,550 had one in the house defecating on your sofa. 550 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,950 I'm not getting into this debate again, Anne. 551 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,310 Good day. 552 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:38,390 Ah! 553 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,230 Well, I thought your boyfriend was awful. 554 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,350 - Fiance. - Yes, that's why I'm here. 555 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,790 The budget for your wedding is out of control. 556 00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:46,950 It's going to be no more than Harry's. 557 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,430 Well, you forget, he's part of the Fab Four and you're not. 558 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,550 But we can still have it here at Windsor, can't we? 559 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,230 No! You'll have it at... 560 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,710 .. Hackney Town Hall! 561 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,760 It's the future, get used to it. 562 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:06,190 Oh, Beatrice, what am I going to do? 563 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:08,030 Well, it's like Jeremy always says. 564 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:12,080 The capitalist system's stacked against us. 565 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:19,430 Ah, Harry. I've just been restoring this Gainsborough -- 566 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,950 didn't much care for the expression on the wife's face. 567 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,430 She looked a bit judgy. 568 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:24,990 Nice. You wanted to see me? 569 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:27,390 Yes, I wanted to get more involved in the wedding. 570 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:30,030 Thought I might help soothe any last-minute nerves. 571 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:31,550 I haven't really got any. 572 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,830 Well, you shouldn't because marriage isn't some suffocating trap. 573 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:36,550 - Oh. Good. - I mean, granted, 574 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,670 the sex tends to tail off sharply, 575 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,710 and then there's that ghastly feeling 576 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,990 of being stuck with each other. 577 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,870 But these can be easily rectified... 578 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:48,470 .. by taking a mistress. 579 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,670 But then the whole oppressive cycle starts over. 580 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,310 Well, I hope I've put your mind at rest. 581 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:58,360 Thanks, Dad. 582 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,550 Oh, dear, when will I ever learn? 583 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,270 I'm supposed to SELL things on QVC. 584 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:13,320 Mind you, that fondue set's really good. 585 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:16,030 - Mummy, I found this in the communal hallway. - Oh... 586 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:22,400 Hello, Fergie HRH Duchess of York. 587 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:24,430 It's American telly! 588 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:26,710 They want me to host the coverage of the royal wedding. 589 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:28,590 They're offering me £1 million. 590 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:30,310 Fuck off! 591 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:31,790 I accept. 592 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:33,990 Oh, I can't believe it! 593 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,070 Well, that's all the debts cleared. 594 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:37,710 And you can turn your heating on. 595 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:39,190 Oh, don't forget your letter. 596 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:40,670 Oh, yeah. 597 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,550 Oh, it's from Harry. 598 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:47,600 He has invited me to the royal wedding after all! 599 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:50,510 Oh, isn't that wonderful? After 25 years, 600 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:54,350 I'll finally be able to go to something royal without sneaking in. 601 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:55,830 But, Mummy, if you go, 602 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:59,880 you won't be able to commentate on it and you'll lose your £1 million. 603 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:01,750 Oh, no, but... 604 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,550 .. well, perhaps... 605 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:07,600 Oh, bollocks. 606 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:14,350 Ah, since I changed the expression on the wife's face, 607 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,710 I thought the husband should look more wistful. 608 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:18,390 Oh. 609 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,430 - You wanted to see me? - Yes. 610 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:22,190 I want to make sure you go down well 611 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:24,310 with the British public on your big day. 612 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,510 Oh, I love the British public. 613 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:29,150 I feel like we're building an immutable bond. 614 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,270 Well, I secretly record them every time 615 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,670 I install a new garden feature at Highgrove, 616 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,230 just to double check I'm still brilliant. 617 00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:39,190 Which is how I heard this. 618 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:41,270 'I don't know about this Meghan Markle. 619 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,350 'Yeah, she's too confident and self-assured. 620 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,630 - You see what I mean? - It's all a piece of shit, isn't it? 621 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:47,030 Gah. 622 00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:50,150 Oh, my God, I thought I was doing so well. 623 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,030 There's no need for tears. 624 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:55,350 You simply need a few pointers on how to deal with the public. 625 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:56,950 That would be great. 626 00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:01,000 Right, say you're on a walkabout, what does one do with one's hands? 627 00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:04,470 You pop one in your pocket like so, 628 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:06,510 and then you can take care of the other one 629 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:10,150 by simply tugging at your ear or scratching your nose. 630 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,990 But I've always felt very at ease with my body. 631 00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,630 No, no, no. It's simply not possible -- nobody does. 632 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:18,710 Say a member of the public stops you 633 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:22,270 and wants an unstructured conversation, what does one do? 634 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:23,750 I say, 635 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:26,710 "Hi, I'm here for you." 636 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:30,760 No, no, you smile, point like this and simply move away. 637 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:35,950 No. 638 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:40,000 I have to be true to myself. 639 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:44,630 What's all that? 640 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:48,070 It's for Meghan, her something borrowed. 641 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:49,750 The Koh-i-noor Diamond. 642 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:52,870 The Indians have been wanting it back for ages. 643 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:55,230 You're going to so much effort. 644 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:59,280 Makes what Meghan's been saying about you all the worse. 645 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:00,470 What do you mean? 646 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:01,830 Oh... 647 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:04,830 I wasn't going to say anything. 648 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,390 Oh, well. 649 00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:10,440 She said your wedding was far too big and stiff and formal, 650 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:14,470 and hers will be much more fun. 651 00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:17,670 If Meghan said that... 652 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:19,150 .. it is a bit ungrateful. 653 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:21,670 She says you're an ungrateful cow. 654 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:25,550 That's not very nice! 655 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:27,950 She called you evil, wicked 656 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,750 and -- I hate to say it -- badly dressed. 657 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:38,950 I think we both know who put that there. 658 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:40,390 Oh! 659 00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:44,440 I hate to be a telltale, but... 660 00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,560 Looks like someone's trying to damn your mortal soul! 661 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,230 - Hello, Harry. - Pippa! 662 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:14,950 Your last night of freedom. 663 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,230 Well, Meghan likes to call it 664 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:18,470 the last night before we go on the greatest journey 665 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:19,630 two people can ever go on. 666 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:21,030 And what do you think, Harry? 667 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,070 Well, I've always thought the greatest journey two people could 668 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:26,230 ever go on was Nemesis Inferno at Thorpe Park. 669 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,070 Well, I wouldn't mind a ride. 670 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,630 I think Thorpe Park will be closed. 671 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:31,350 I meant something closer to home. 672 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,950 No, Legoland will be closed as well. 673 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:36,150 Well, how about a good-luck massage, then? 674 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,070 Yeah, that can't do any harm. And I am a bit tense. 675 00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:43,120 Pop your clothes off and onto the bed. 676 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:48,190 Little tradition from our days as Kings of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha... 677 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:49,950 Pippa? 678 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:53,030 - We're busy. - Yah, Pippa's giving me a good-luck massage. 679 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:54,630 It's very kind of her. 680 00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:57,430 What's wrong with you?! You've already got a billionaire husband 681 00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:00,590 and a Belgravia mansion with its own ridiculous car-stacking system. 682 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,670 It's not my fault we've got so many cars. 683 00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:04,590 Why can't you just let people be happy? 684 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,350 Because all my life I've been second best. 685 00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:09,950 Second to Kate, second to Alan Titchmarsh 686 00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:12,590 as most-popular columnist for Waitrose magazine. 687 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,230 And now second to Meghan Markle. 688 00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:19,280 Well, I don't intend to be second any more! 689 00:34:20,720 --> 00:34:22,270 Lawks. 690 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,070 - You all right, bro? - Yah. 691 00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:26,550 You don't still have feelings for Pippa, do you? 692 00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:29,270 What? No! Just a few last-minute nerves. 693 00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:30,950 Getting married is a big step. 694 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,070 It will be great. Look, marrying Kate was the best thing I ever did. 695 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,590 We can spend a whole day together gardening, 696 00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:39,550 or snuggle up and watch back-to-back Sex And The City films. 697 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,110 Sometimes we cook together. 698 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:43,270 At the moment, we're in a Nigel Slater phase. 699 00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:45,470 She's not only my lover. 700 00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:47,110 She's my best friend. 701 00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:51,720 Gott im Himmel! 702 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,990 Well, what a day we have in store. 703 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,830 One's thoughts inevitably do turn to the canapes at the reception, 704 00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:10,590 which I'm sure many of the guests will be squirrelling away 705 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:13,430 in their handbags to devour at a later date. 706 00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:15,910 Ah, now, I've just spotted the Princess Royal. 707 00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:17,230 See if I can have a word with her. 708 00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:18,910 Anne, looking forward to the big day? 709 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,030 No. I'd rather be with my horses. 710 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:23,750 Horses don't let you down, not like people. 711 00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:27,110 Though sometimes they do kick you to death. 712 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,070 Wonderful to catch her in such a good mood, as well, there. 713 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:32,710 Oh, and I've just seen that some of the lucky winners 714 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:36,760 of the public ballot are here, now arriving too. 715 00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:44,870 Are you sure you're not coming, Bea? 716 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:48,790 No, it's just a vulgar display of money by the ruling elite. 717 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:52,510 I don't care. Ed Sheeran's doing the disco. 718 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:54,190 How do I look? 719 00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:57,230 Like a puppet of the bourgeois oppressors. 720 00:35:57,280 --> 00:36:01,280 Perfect. See you later! 721 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:12,120 ♪ She may be the face I can't forget 722 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,870 ♪ The trace of pleasure or regret... ♪ 723 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,830 You look amazing. 724 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:23,350 Though, frankly, it's a bit formal. 725 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:25,390 Thank you for your voodoo doll. 726 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:28,470 I know how ungrateful you think I am. 727 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:30,510 I have gone out of my way to help you! 728 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:32,710 Well, I don't need your help any more. 729 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:34,990 I don't even need you to be my maid of honour. 730 00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:36,910 - You're fired! - Oh, no, I'm not, 731 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:40,510 because I quit! 732 00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:44,560 And your gun. 733 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:50,110 Kate! 734 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:51,990 Meghan. 735 00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:54,990 Well, still no sign of Harry, I'm afraid. 736 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:59,040 Ah, now, I'm just hearing that, yes, the bride's car has left the castle, 737 00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:03,270 but apparently, without the maid of honour. 738 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:06,190 So, lots of rumours flying about here, as you can imagine, 739 00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:09,030 but joining me now is someone who might be able to shed a little bit 740 00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:12,550 of light on the whole thing. It's Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. 741 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:15,750 Oh, people are making far too much of it. 742 00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:19,070 I mean, yes, Kate's been sacked as maid of honour, 743 00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:20,910 and yes, their friendship is in tatters, 744 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:24,960 but I see no reason for people to put that on Facebook or re-tweet it. 745 00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,830 746 00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:31,880 Snow! 747 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:38,350 There you are. Come on. 748 00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:40,830 No. I'm too young to get married. 749 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:42,910 You ain't going to find another girl like Meghan. 750 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,550 But all that time with one person, Wills. 751 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:47,750 I just don't think I can hack it. 752 00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:50,270 I'm sorry. 753 00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:51,950 All right, then. 754 00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:55,270 I'll go and tell the Archbishop of Canterbury. 755 00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:58,430 Wait a minute! Does that television have Sky? 756 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:01,790 - Well, TalkTalk. - Then put on Alibi, 312. 757 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:03,790 But we're watching the racing. 758 00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:06,270 As your future king, I command you. 759 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:10,190 At last, this country's got some leadership. 760 00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:12,270 We now return you to Suits. 761 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:13,750 Sit down. You're out of order. 762 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:14,910 No, Your Honour. 763 00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:16,470 YOU'RE out of order. 764 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:18,070 Counsel, you're in contempt. 765 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,670 No, YOU'RE in contempt. 766 00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:23,790 Wow! She's all that and a bag of chips. 767 00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:24,830 She is. 768 00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:26,070 Overruled! 769 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:29,350 No, YOU'RE overruled. 770 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,990 Are you really going to leave her standing at the altar? 771 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,150 No way. 772 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:35,190 Let's go! 773 00:38:35,240 --> 00:38:36,710 Counsel, approach the bench. 774 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,950 No, YOU approach the bench! 775 00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:41,950 Well, the guests are arriving now. 776 00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,870 Ah, yes, Princess Michael of Kent there, 777 00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:47,910 who specifically asks that I not mention that her father was in 778 00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:51,710 the SS and ended up in Mozambique at the end of the war. 779 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:55,760 Ah, just seen that the groom and the best man have arrived, so... 780 00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:01,110 Yeah. Oh, and here comes the bride. 781 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:04,470 Oh, doesn't she look scrum-diddly-bloody-umptious! 782 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:08,520 Daddy! 783 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:12,430 Meghan, I say, Meghan, are you ready to escort me down the aisle? 784 00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:16,480 - I sure am! - She got her good looks from me. 785 00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:18,710 Just caught you in time. 786 00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:20,910 - Pippa! - I heard you fell out with Kate, 787 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,350 and didn't want you get married without something old, 788 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,910 something new, something borrowed, and something blue, 789 00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:28,150 - so I brought you this. - That's beautiful! 790 00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:30,110 And you're beautiful. 791 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,710 Outside and in. 792 00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:35,310 Sweet. 793 00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:38,670 - Ow! - So sorry. Did that hurt much? 794 00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:41,150 It's fine. Thank you. 795 00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:45,200 Come on, girl. I said, come on! 796 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,920 Good luck. 797 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:55,160 Our love is like two streams flowing separately down a mountainside. 798 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:01,120 But today, our streams have joined to form one mighty river. 799 00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:05,960 Wider, stronger, more impactful. 800 00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:13,440 Baked beans, cornflakes, lager... 801 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:18,800 .. bog roll. 802 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,950 Well, the reception's certainly in full swing now. 803 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:35,000 The free champagne is flowing, the '80s music... 804 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,230 Oh, sod the money. 805 00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:41,280 If I'm not dancing to Level 42, then what the hell am I? 806 00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:45,720 Fergs out. 807 00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:49,430 Beatrice? 808 00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:50,990 Beatrice! 809 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:53,030 Jeremy? 810 00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:55,110 - Beatrice! - I didn't think you'd come! 811 00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:56,510 Because of your principles. 812 00:40:56,560 --> 00:40:58,510 You've got to be flexible, haven't you? 813 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:00,110 And I do swear allegiance to the Queen. 814 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:04,160 Otherwise, I wouldn't get paid. 815 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:06,990 Anne! 816 00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:09,150 You remember my fiance, Jack. 817 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,990 He's brand ambassador for George Clooney's tequila. 818 00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:16,040 Shot! 819 00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,110 He does that any time anyone says tequila. 820 00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:22,390 Shot! 821 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,310 See? 822 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:26,070 Anyway, about our wedding... 823 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:28,150 I've said my final word on the matter. 824 00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:31,510 Or would you prefer to get married in Lambeth Town Hall? 825 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:33,870 But I've been thinking, 826 00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:37,390 the weddings are almost the entire point of having a royal family. 827 00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:41,440 - Oh, don't be ridiculous. - Can you think of any other reason? 828 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:52,670 Oh, all right, then. You can have it here. 829 00:41:52,720 --> 00:41:54,470 Brilliant! Jack, champagne. 830 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:58,520 - I mean, tequila! - Shot! 831 00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:05,550 - Are you all right, Dad? - Yes. 832 00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,990 No. I've tried to get involved in this wedding, but I have to face it. 833 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:12,710 - I'm just a spare part. - You told Elton John where to park his car. 834 00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:14,710 Yes, but it's always been like this. 835 00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:17,070 - I've never done anything. - That's not true. 836 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,750 What about all those architectural projects you've suppressed? 837 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:22,390 - Some of them got built. - Yeah, but the designs had to be modified 838 00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:24,270 - at great expense. - I suppose. 839 00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,990 Not bad for someone with no architectural training whatsoever. 840 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:30,590 Maybe I am absolutely fantastic after all. 841 00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:33,950 Look, why don't you make the best man's speech? 842 00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:36,790 Well, I suppose I could. 843 00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:38,510 Here. It's all written down. 844 00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:41,990 Oh, I've got my own material. 845 00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,190 Everyone looking this way. 846 00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:47,750 Come on, damn you. Hurry up! 847 00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:49,910 Well, I'd just like to welcome Meghan into the firm. 848 00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:53,960 Of course, she's not the first actress in the royal family. 849 00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:57,470 Does anyone remember Nell Gwyn? 850 00:42:57,520 --> 00:42:59,790 Pause for laughter. 851 00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:01,670 Nell was also a prostitute. 852 00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:04,870 Not that Meghan's ever toyed with prostitution, 853 00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:06,470 that I know of. 854 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:07,790 Pause for laughter. 855 00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:09,790 One, two, three... 856 00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,390 But isn't Meghan looking pretty today? 857 00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:17,230 Sexist! 858 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:19,990 I'm merely pointing out that she's a very pretty girl. 859 00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:22,430 She's not a girl, she's a grown woman. 860 00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:24,670 And you're a grown woman's front bottom! 861 00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:27,830 Yeah, well, you're a total waste of money. 862 00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,430 You never do or achieve anything. 863 00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:32,480 You should know all about that. You're an Arsenal supporter. 864 00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:36,550 Right, first thing I do when I get in -- 865 00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:38,470 I'm going to abolish the lot of you. 866 00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:41,950 Well, I shall make a date in my diary. When's never? 867 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,150 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 868 00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,150 - Fuck off, big ears! - Ooooh! 869 00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:48,870 At least I was born with these. 870 00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,710 What's your excuse for that rat's nest around your chin? 871 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:55,670 Oh, bollocks to the lot of you! 872 00:43:55,720 --> 00:43:57,790 They love me! 873 00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:59,910 I have a role! 874 00:44:02,360 --> 00:44:03,630 Come on, Beatrice. 875 00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:06,750 Actually, Jeremy, I don't think this is going to work. 876 00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:10,430 I don't think Marxism's for me. I'm sorry. 877 00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:12,150 You're probably right. 878 00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:14,590 And in any case, I'm already married. 879 00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:16,870 To my allotment. 880 00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:19,470 - Right, Corbyn, out. - I was leaving anyway. 881 00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:23,520 - Not before I've given you the thrashing of your life! - Oh! 882 00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:28,750 Meghan, I haven't given you my present. 883 00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:31,030 Lending me this was present enough. 884 00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:33,430 No, no, no. That was only the half of it. 885 00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:35,790 - What is it? - It's antidote, 886 00:44:35,840 --> 00:44:38,670 to the slow-acting poison I injected you with when I pinned that brooch 887 00:44:38,720 --> 00:44:41,950 on you earlier. Yes, it should be kicking in about now. 888 00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:43,910 Why would you do that to me? 889 00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:46,230 Uh-uh-uh, grabby! 890 00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:49,390 It's time for you to make a speech, renouncing Harry and saying 891 00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:52,350 that you've made a big mistake and you're still in love with, 892 00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:54,190 I don't know, some bloke from Suits. 893 00:44:54,240 --> 00:44:58,240 No, I won't do it. I'd rather die than live without Harry. 894 00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:03,310 Meghan! 895 00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:05,310 Oh, my God! The bride has collapsed. 896 00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:06,950 Why am I still commentating? 897 00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:10,070 Meghan! Wake up! 898 00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:11,990 I don't think I've ever seen her so drunk. 899 00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:14,430 - What have you done? - Poisoned her. 900 00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:16,310 But all she has to do is renounce Harry, 901 00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:17,870 and I'll give her the antidote. 902 00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:19,870 You're trying... to kill her? 903 00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:21,590 Shot! 904 00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,750 That's what any rational person would do. 905 00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:27,310 Slow-acting poison on her wedding day?! 906 00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:29,590 Well, maybe it is a bit OTT. 907 00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:32,990 Please, Pippa, if you ever cared for me... 908 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:37,040 Give her the antidote! 909 00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:43,240 Meghan! 910 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:50,430 Big up to the Windsor massive! 911 00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:53,710 - Tequila! - Shot! 912 00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:55,990 Oh, Jack, you're the son I've never had. 913 00:45:56,040 --> 00:46:00,040 - Tequila! - Shot! 914 00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:04,110 You saved my life. You need this back. 915 00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:07,350 Oh, we don't need a piece of tin to say we're best friends. 916 00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:09,030 Actually, it's 24-carat gold. 917 00:46:09,080 --> 00:46:10,670 Oh, maybe I will hang onto it, then. 918 00:46:10,720 --> 00:46:13,710 Very touching. You might have kissed and made up, 919 00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:16,160 but good luck with trying to convince the press. 920 00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:22,430 Ah, the Slippers Association. 921 00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:24,830 I thought I'd be hearing from you. 922 00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:28,880 Please welcome to the floor, for their first dance, the happy couple. 923 00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:35,110 Thanks, and we're going to be dancing to my new favourite record, 924 00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:39,030 which is completely my own choice, and nothing to do with Meghan -- 925 00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:41,910 I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar. 926 00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:45,150 Not very dancey. How about...? 927 00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:49,190 ♪ Wind your body, wriggle your belly 928 00:46:49,240 --> 00:46:52,950 ♪ Dip and go down in a new style-ee 929 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:56,550 ♪ Wind and go up, wind and go down 930 00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:59,590 ♪ Bobble and a rock to the new style around 931 00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:02,950 ♪ Are you fe, line it up Are you fe, wind it up 932 00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:06,390 ♪ Do the boom shack a lak till the dance hall full up 933 00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:10,440 ♪ I say the boom shack a lak... ♪ 934 00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:19,150 Who did this? 935 00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:21,350 Actually, I did! 936 00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:28,360 She is going to fit in just fine.